Gifts.....

Gift giving is a nice way to let others know you think and care about them.  Taking the time to consider and choose a proper gift can be bring much joy for both the giver and the receiver, especially if thought and time was taken for just the right gift.  Presents are given for many occasions from hostess gifts to birthdays, Christmas to child birth, and anything in between.  Over the years, I’ve tried to become less materialistic and have inspired others to do the same by encouraged spending time with people rather than purchasing gifts.  I think that’s why I enjoy Thanksgiving so much.  It’s a time to be thankful without exchanging gifts.

When I stop to think about my prejudices with gift giving, I’m reminded of the ways gifts have impacted my life.  Everything begins with a thought, then an action, followed by a reaction.  It’s these internal loops that condition behavior and future thoughts.  In my own life, gifts were given/received for a birthday and Christmas.  I did receive on Easter a basket with a few things and a new Sunday outfit.  But that was it! Life was simple and frugal.  I’ve also been told I’m not a good gift giver, and maybe I’m sensitive to the process and choices of my purchasing power. Honestly, I tend to be more of a practical gift giver by giving something that someone can actually use rather than a fun or frivolous present. The other important factor in my own life was the fact that with one particular person, gifts came with strings attached.  This left a skepticism in my thought process about the intention from the giver, and I think, skewed my beliefs for other’s intentions who gave gifts.  More importantly, what I learned in life is that people perceive love and care in very different ways.  For me, gifts were nice, but did not represent the way I wanted to feel loved. 

If you have never heard of love languages, let me introduce you.  Gary Chapman is the author of a book called The 5 Love Languages.  In it, he explains that people perceive love in a variety of ways:

·      Acts of service—do something for me

·      Touch—hold my hand

·      Words of affirmation—tell me something I do well

·      Quality time—play a game with me

·      Gifts—buy me something

Likely, we want them all to some degree, however, there are some that speaks louder to us than others.  Knowing this information can be helpful with children and in relationships in general.  Knowing the information helped me with my three children.  I could noticeably see the differences when I spoke to their individual love language.  If you are giving a gift to someone who’s love language is words of affirmation, they will not feel as loved as when you were to tell them something positive.

Today is Valentine’s Day, or Singles Awareness Day, as my children would call it.  Many of our “holidays” are invented by the card companies to keep consumerism high.  There’s the expectation of what to purchase, how much to spend, and the let down when the bar was set too high.  It’s estimated this year approximately $27.4 billion will be spent on the love holiday, according to the National Retail Federation.  That includes cards, candy, flowers, dining out, spa treatments, etc. for relatives, friends, co-workers, and pets.  That’s a considerable amount of money.  I wonder what other ways we can show others we love and care for them that doesn’t require spending money?  Do any of us NEED candy?  Come to think about it, if I eat candy then it will weaken my immune system and add weight, which many of us are trying to shed.  In the end, if we give gifts to someone who’s love language is not gifts, they won’t be getting the real message.  As a result, the time and resources spend were not as effective as intended. Consider a new thought in your purchasing power: Rather than just buy a gift and check off the box, get to know the person you want to express care for by speaking to their love language.

Want to know your love language? Take the test here.

Health Bite:  Show the appropriate love that supports the person who will receive it. 

How Do You Relate?

I'll bet you know someone who gives great gifts. Every time there's a reason to celebrate, this person always seems to present the coolest gift and people get excited to see what gift she has given. Is that person you? It's not me. I struggle to find gifts for occasions and quite frankly, I don't really enjoy shopping. What I do well is doing things for people, and I'll praise their success and encourage them in their life. Why the difference? I think it comes down to how we perceive love ourselves.

Each of us encounters love in different ways. For me, words of affirmation and acts of service resonate with me as love. Since that's how I perceive love, that's what I'm inclined to give. Unfortunately, the person I'm trying to show love to may not feel loved. If we don't take the time to really understand someone, they may never really feel loved or appreciated. It's important to give the person the right kind of love. In his book, The 5 Love Languages, Gary Chapman, outlines ways that people feel loved. You can discover your love language on his website. 

Of all the areas in life to try and find balance, I think relationships are by far the most difficult to navigate. There are factors that are beyond our control and emotions often give way to our thinking as facts. It's easy to interpret past experiences and the emotions felt as facts. When this happens, relationships can be strained or broken all together. Can you separate facts from perceived thoughts? A fact is something like, Brian works Lowes. A perceived thought is Brian is the hardest worker at Lowes. So no one would argue the fact that Brian works at Lowes, but whether he's a hard workers or not may be up for debate.  

There are so many unspoken thoughts and non-verbal actions that are misinterpreted between people. Misconceptions and misspoken words can hurt and break people's trust. Then what? How does one restore brokenness? I don't think there is any one answer, but perhaps a lifetime of daily forgiveness and humbling one's self in thinking that no one if perfect and likely sometime in our own life, we have hurt others without even knowing it. 

Years ago, I taught a second grade Sunday School class. One of the lessons was how to have joy in our life. I'm pretty sure my students don't remember anything that day we discussed, but I never forgot it and try to use this simple concept everyday. JOY is found by putting Jesus first, Others second, and Yourself last. That's not what our culture teaches, and I wonder if that's why there is so much unhappiness. 

So many times we are hurt by others. It creates wounds, sometimes very deep and when someone gives more than takes, a relationship can be exhausting both mentally and physically. Sometimes it's necessary to end relationships that are not healthy. Sometimes no matter how hard we have tried, the other person just isn't responsive or maybe is unable to give.

Over the next few months, I plan to unpack this post in more detail. There is a lot to chew on here. Like I said, relationships are difficult to navigate because we have the least amount of control. Just remember, You cannot change the other person; you can only change YOU. Sometimes just a small change in you can create an affect of the other person. 

Health-bite: Live in JOY and you will find joy.